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The Video Game Survival Guide to The End of the World

3 Comments | posted
apocalypse

 

Resetting/Collapse of Modern Civilization

Have you ever thought about how connected we are to the technological advancements made in society? What if tomorrow, your cell phone and computer didn’t work? What if, you could no longer drive your car, watch TV or take a shower? What if, society basically reset itself hundreds of years and we had to re-learn how to survive and adapt to our environments? Pretty scary stuff…that would mean no Netflix!

Do Play: Harvest Moon

This is most definitely my go-to game for learning how to “live with nature.” It teaches you how to juggle various different priorities in life like starting a family, managing your crops, tending your plants and wandering aimlessly wondering what the hell the point of all this is. The games are also addicting and cute…but wait, what’s the point again?

Do Play: Minecraft

Forget for a second how fun it is to create ginormous skyscrapers that resemble inappropriate parts of the human body and just think about what the game encourages: resourcefulness and creativity! Did you know if you place three wooden planks and three pieces of wool into a magical box, it creates a bed? Thank me and Minecraft later, just go live your life and enjoy it while it lasts.

Don’t Play: Farmville

I’m asking you to not play this because 1) Harvest Moon is better and covers the same stuff and 2) STOP ANNOYING ALL OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS! Thankfully the fad has mostly passed for now, but please just don’t start playing it again…pretty please? I know you really want me to help you feed your cows and I get that it is super important and everything…but I just don’t care about you, or your cows.

Outer Space Object Collision

If an asteroid (theoretically) killed the dinosaurs, we are probably next. All I’m saying if VELOCIRAPTORS couldn’t survive, how are we going to? Look: if a giant asteroid, meteor or moon with a face on it decides to crash into Earth, there isn’t a whole lot we can do. So, just go play these games because they are good and stuff. Maybe I’ll leave room for you on my escape ship if you leave a comment on this article.

Do Play: The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask

This is the darkest game in the entire franchise and deals with some pretty depressing subjects, even outside of the main plot. Have you seen that moon’s face? Just look at it. Gross. Link had three days to work with (over and over again) so he was in a bit of a better position than we are. At least this serves as a good blueprint on how to wear a green skirt and not look entirely like Peter Pan. Or wait…is Zelda the boy or the girl? Eh, whatever.

Do Play: Asteroids

Look at the title of this section, now look at the name of this game, now look at me. Confused? I hope not. If so, you deserve to be among the first to go. All I know is that when we have a giant asteroid heading to Earth, I want to hop in a spaceship equipped with infinite lasers and crank up Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” while I save the planet. Take that, Bruce Willis.

Don’t Play: Advance Wars: Days of Ruin

First of all, as The Dean of PlayStation University, I recommend you not play this because it is on the DS. Secondly, if most of the earth is wiped out by an asteroid, how is it going to help for you to hypothetically role-play as a military commander? I doubt Obama is going to call you and ask how many spaces he should move his transport truck. Stick to the realistic games like Majora’s Mask.

Farewell

With that, I bid you farewell and wish for a most pleasant demise. I would hate for you to suffer an agonizing death at the hands of a rabid animal or to become one of the first zombies. I would most definitely shoot you in the head and put you out of your misery, but neither of us want it to end that way.

I ask to you: if you had to pick a way for the world to end, which way would it be and why? Also, which game would you play to prepare yourself? Let us know in the comments below!

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Comments (3)

  • Hunter

    “Don’t play Advance Wars, because that’s an icky Nintendo game. Play Majora’s Mask instead!”
    -David

    • David Jagneaux

      Yup.

  • DJ L Toro

    Do play Asteroids. This is correct

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