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The Gentleman’s Guide to Red Dead Redemption

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So you’ve made your way into the stunningly beautiful desert wilderness of New Austin. Perhaps you were looking to find new fortune, maybe start life anew in the West.

As it turns out, the sprawling metropolis of Saint Louis this is not. These parts are home to some of the most dangerous side-winding bandits and good-for-nothings you’ll ever know. That’s no reason to lower yourself to the level of such scoundrels, however – you’re a gentleman, damn it!

That’s why I’ve meticulously prepared this most essential reading material: The Gentleman’s Guide to Red Dead Redemption. So kick back with a phosphate from your preferred drug store and peruse the contents within, so as to maintain your gentlemanly disposition on that wild frontier.

Dress appropriately

Upon taking control of Mr. John Marston, a change of clothes should be the absolute first thing in order. One might argue that the clothes he’s already wearing are the most practical for his surroundings, but that’s simply folk-speak for “I can neither afford nor bother with gentlemanly attire”.

Bandana

Not gentlemanly

Fret not, as more refined clothes are at your disposal immediately. Simply link your “Play Station Network” identifier into Rock Star’s Social Club (I won’t ask what any of the above witchery means) and voila! Oh-so-appropriate Gentleman’s Attire will appear with your other outfits, allowing you to roam the Western frontier looking quite dapper indeed.

But you shan’t ride just any mongrel steed into the Western sun. So with that in mind …

Procure a Donkey Lady

Truly the rarest, most distinct form of transport you’ll come across. Best of all, you get exactly what you bargained for. What in tarnation is the difference between an American Standardbred or a Hungarian Half-bred? As a city-slickin’ gent, you shouldn’t really know – I sure don’t. Everyone knows what a Donkey Lady is just by hearing the name.

As you can see in the above moving picture, one is to treat their Donkey Lady with respect and courtesy – these aren’t Donkey Wenches, and what’s a gentleman without a lady at his side?

Be gentle, man.

Partake in parlor games … with caution

Being a gentleman can be an exhaustive way of life, so it’s acceptable to find time for leisure. You won’t find many base ball matches to attend (if any) as you once did in Providence’s massive cityscape. As such, heading to a saloon to wager on cards will be the most gentlemanly thing you can do to pass the time.

As mentioned before, though, this territory’s teeming with ruffians waiting for any chance to start trouble. Cheating at Texas Hold ‘Em poker is heavily discouraged. You should definitely NOT head to Thieves’ Landing and pick up a spry new Elegant Suit from the tailor there, which would facilitate such devious activity. Under no circumstances is a real gentleman to attempt removing a card from the bottom of the deck when he is dealing, done by pressing the “Triangle button” and balancing a meter with the” left analog stick” (more witchery). You’ll definitely get caught, equally embarrassing and infuriating to all involved.

DON'T

Jesus, be careful!

There’s only one thing left to do in such a situation.

Defend your honor

Did you not read through my thinly veiled sarcasm above? Now look at the predicament before you!

A duel!

Like this, but classier

Like this, but classier

Fortunately for you, even a life-or-death situation such as this has a gentlemanly approach to it.  You see, upon entering this dueling “mini game” most players simply think to shoot the scoundrel dead in his tracks. A refined man, however, realizes there is an alternative – no man needs to die this day. Despite previous less-than-gentlemanly trickery, one can gain positive “Fame” and “Honor” (what are these invisible, demonic systems?!?) by shooting off their opponent’s hat and then disarming them.

Humiliation.

This way, there is no need to wash one’s hands of guilt. This is not only the right thing to do, but washing is best left to commoners and peasants.

Remember, you’re a gentleman.

Posted in Editorials, News |

Comments (5)

  • TRF

    LOL, funny read.

  • Doominator99

    I didnt know there was a way to not kill someone in a duel… a little too late now though since i have dueled everybody to death!

  • Joe Garcia

    @TRF — Funny?

    @Doominator — Hmm … is there a Rabble-rouser’s Guide to Red Dead Redemption that I don’t know about? There may be hope for you yet, lad!

  • pharmacy tech

    found your site on del.icio.us today and really liked it.. i bookmarked it and will be back to check it out some more later

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