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The Video Game Survival Guide to The End of the World

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apocalypse

If the Mayans are correct, the world will (or did, depending on when or if you read this) on December 21st, 2012. While we have survived many doomsday scares in the past and there really isn’t proof that anything is going to happen, the saying always goes: better safe than sorry. Which brings us to the most important question: If the world does end, how will it happen? As a society, we have fantasized over apocalyptic events for so long and developed so many theories, who even knows what could possibly happen?

I have constructed this survival guide for all gamers to refer back to. Even if the Mayans are wrong and we live on for X more years, the end of the world will probably happen one day. Consider this our definitive source of information to survive a world-ending catastrophe – as a gamer. Each possible world-ending event (that I could reasonably think of) has been detailed along with a game or two you should play to prepare and one you should not play to prepare. Obviously there will be plenty of games I didn’t include, in which case, I encourage you to comment down below. It’s your duty, as a citizen of this world, to help us all out. Get out your journals class, it’s time to take notes!

Alien Invasion

Are we alone in the universe? A classic question for anyone that ponders existence and doomsday scenarios. Sure, if there are big scary aliens out there, they might be friendly, but what if they aren’t? What if they want to harvest our bodies and devour our brains? That would surely make it pretty difficult to continue living. If they do come for us, we probably can’t stop them realistically since Will Smith may not be available. So, we should prepare for the worst with these following games:

Do Play – Destroy All Humans!

This choice might seem illogical at first, but think about it: you get to play as an alien, bent on destroying all of us. You know what they say: know thine alien…or something like that. If we use these games as a blueprint for what moves the aliens will take, it will keep us a couple steps ahead at all times. These games are basically a 100% accurate predictive analysis of the alien invasion, I promise. Not only does it tip us off to their every action, but it lets you know what not to do. Great for preparing for that impending invasion!

Do Play – Gears of War

In case you’re wondering, “Under what circumstances would The Dean of PlayStation University recommend I play an Xbox exclusive franchise?” the answer is when your life is at stake. Gears of War, in my mind, is good for one thing and one thing only: preparing yourself for an invasion of disgusting alien creatures that have been growing and breeding in the ground right beneath our feet. By playing this and the game above, you are ready for both attacks from high and from low. Now we just need to get our hands on a bunch of steroids so our pecks can look like Marcus Phoenix’s.

Don’t Play – Duke Nukem Forever

While this game may be a biographical retelling of my life (with the wonderful buffness and bodacious babes lounging in my mansion) it is not a very good survival tool, because most people aren’t like the Duke. Punching giant aliens works well in a video game, but that does not prepare us for a real-life invasion in any way at all. You would be better off studying actually useful ideas like, I don’t know, how to use a chainsaw gun. Also, this game is terrible. Stay away.

Zombies

Somehow, zombies have become the craze of our generation. With movies, written work, video games, everything – we are obsessed with zombies. I think most of the appeal/fear comes from the fact that they aren’t really foreign invaders or some unstoppable force – they are us. Sure, they are infected and don’t really act like people anymore, but they used to be and you could become one too. This fear of the familiar-turned-unknown is what makes them so frightening. Always remember: aim for the head!

Do Play - The Walking Dead Game

This game was awarded Game of the Year at Spike’s 10th Annual Video Game Awards for lots of reasons, but I’m sure one of them is because it’s really good at preparing you, personally, for a zombie outbreak. Most zombie games are just full of gratuitous violence and killing, which is great and fun, but how helpful is that really? In real life, I don’t level up from killing things, or learn to make lightsabers from flashlights and crystals. In real life, my loved ones would turn into zombies and I would have to make lots of hard decisions. The Walking Dead is a zombie apocalypse survival guide, from start to finish.

Do Play - Resident Evil 4

This is my favorite of the Resident Evil series and it is also just a really awesome game. However, the reason this game makes the list is for one main reason: it teaches you how to take care of someone. I don’t know if you noticed this, but people hate escort missions because life is basically the longest and most annoying escort mission of all. You are always forced to interact with people and care about them, whether it be family, friends or significant others. RE4 teaches you that, no matter how rough times get, stick that annoying friend in a dumpster and hope for the best. Also, Zombies.

Don’t Play – Dead Rising

While this is a really fun game that is great to play as an alternative to Pokemon Snap, it isn’t exactly the most useful for preparing for a zombie invasion. Answer me this: do you really think throwing a teddy bear at a zombie will kill it? How about other soft toys? What about a shopping cart? I didn’t think so. Let’s focus on the games that have you making pivotal choices like, “Who do I give this energy bar to?” and interacting with President’s daughters. You know, realistic stuff.

Check out the next page for more ways to prepare yourself for impending doom!

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Comments (3)

  • Hunter

    “Don’t play Advance Wars, because that’s an icky Nintendo game. Play Majora’s Mask instead!”
    -David

    • David Jagneaux

      Yup.

  • DJ L Toro

    Do play Asteroids. This is correct

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